I have no kids. She has 5.

I have no kids.  She has 5.

My mother and father divorced when I was two years old, and I don't have any memories of them living together.  My dad stayed a part of my life, although he lived in a different city. me and my sister still saw him throughout the year.

My mom remarried when I was six to a Copenhagen chewing truck driver, who had grown up on a very strict cattle ranch in a very small town.  I can't say I remember a lot of him before they were married, except that when they did tie the know they asked me and my sister if we wanted to call him "dad."  We both looked at each other and immediately said "no."  I don't have any bad memories before that, there was just something so foreign to calling this person "dad."  I only had one dad and didn't see the need for another one.

They were married for 11 years, and I hated each and every one.

When I met my current girlfriend, I was immediately attracted to her positive attitude in life.  I knew very soon that she had just been divorced and had five children from one man, who had left her for one of her friends as she was pregnant with the 5th baby.  This woman had to go through a separation and divorce with the kids while her ex was out with a new girlfriend going on vacations, paying "child support" late or not at all, and just being a Disney dad.  She kept positive through it all, while having some down times of course, but always coming out on top.

I have always wanted kids of my own, and the thought of being a step-dad (even on the first date it was running through my mind) was terrifying to me.  I absolutely hated my step-dad.  He was drunk, angry, loud, physical, controlling and never there.  I knew that it might not have all been his fault, and that I never loved him as a dad and that is partially why he failed to mean anything to me.  I knew I would just be the same failure to these kids if I ever married their mom.  So I just became super fun guy.  Running, chasing, dunking, coloring and just being that guy.  Mom's cool new friend who is super fun.

But in any moment that one asked for a hug, or for me to carry them, or to get some juice, I would get nervous about my actions.  "Don't screw this up.  They will hate you forever for ruining their lives and their mom's life."  Over fucking juice I would think this.

Me and their mom are engaged now.  I want to write about some of my experiences as they happen and that have happened to better understand myself what my life will now be.